Hope

Last summer, I hiked the trail to Hanging Lake twice.  I attended a couple of concerts in Aspen at the music tent (the only place I can attend concerts without too much angst).  I tried to clean the house, get house insurance so I could borrow money to get a new roof (but I couldn’t open the letter from the insurance company to see whether I was accepted or not after the inspection, and I couldn’t go to the bank to ask for the loan because the more time you spend in, the harder it is to go out).  I was so alone. I now know that if I’d realized then that a better wireless system would keep my sons at home more, I would have invested the money much sooner.

 It was a desperate, unpleasant summer.

This year, I sort of have Justin and Lynn as friends–sort of because in spite of how much I like them, I can never be too close to them because I refuse to go through it again–the whole let me chuck you first so you won’t chuck me abandonment thing.  I would never want either of them to hate me, so I have to keep my distance (which so far I haven’t done well).

Justin wants to go hiking with me to Hanging Lake next summer.  He might want to attend a concert in Aspen.  He wants me to be in the band for April’s concert.  In catching up with my blog reading, I encountered the trailer for the X-Men Wolverine movie, which will be released May 1st.   Wow, I thought, I really want to see that movie.  There’s something to live for.

The problem with staying alive for 3.5 years to see both sons through high school is that I’m living such a miserable existence that it’s difficult to want to stay alive.  They’re fairly ungrateful teenagers.  The house is falling apart.  I’m employed, which is good, but it seems tenuous and I’m not used for my knowledge (which is why I can take off and play in the band).  There’s little hope and less fun in my life, which largely consists of obligations.  

I thought how much better it would be if I had something to look forward to each month instead of one movie premiere in May.   Originally, Alex O’Loughlin’s movie Whiteout, was supposed to be released in January 2009–now it will be released in September.  That’s almost as bad as waiting 3.5 years to die.  Moonlight, his ill-fated series, will be out on January 20, 2009.  I already pre-ordered it, so there’s a modest something for January.

February–birthday month.  I’ll go away on my birthday to avoid getting overly upset.  It worked last year.

March–what could possibly be interesting in March?

April–that concert Justin wants me to play in.

May–cemetery tours.

June–Hanging Lake.

July–Aspen concerts.

August–I have no idea.  Colorado Day?

It’s trickier when you can’t easily leave the house.  What could I possibly add to make me want to stay alive?

Advertisements

~ by judeincolorado on December 28, 2008.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: