Anger as a component of suicidal ideation

When you’re suicidal, post-suicide fantasies are a common component.  You imagine the world without you, and the reactions of others to your absence.  You visualize people saying, “I can’t believe it.  I never knew she was depressed!”    I thought of that today because we had an assembly at my school about consequences of decisions in light of recent traffic deaths.  I’m sure in a few years, they’ll have an assembly about me where people will express concern about suicide.  They’ll have grief counseling and review the warning signs of suicide (none of which I will have displayed to any of them).  I worry about that because I like a lot of these people, and I wouldn’t want them to be distressed, but then again, I can’t base my decision to die on their needs.

I’ve noticed that anger is a large component of my suicidal ideation.   Instead of lashing out at others, I’m angry at myself.   When I become angry with someone, I always turn that anger towards myself–it makes me more suicidal.   It makes me more determined to kill myself.  

On World of Psychology, they blogged about anger over the economy.   Suggestion number 1?  Be assertive about anger, not aggressive.  “Clearly define what you’re angry about and tell those who need to know.”  

Although I’m angry, it’s not always clear to me why.  I can list numerous things:  1) no one helps 2) the house is falling apart 3) I work too many hours 4) I can’t have friends 5) I’m trapped by my fear.   I feel angry about some of those things, but mostly I feel resigned.   My action plan is to muddle through until that date when I can kill myself.

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~ by judeincolorado on March 3, 2009.

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