I fought to have a band accompany the school musical production because I figured I could be in the band and therefore I could *see* the musical (otherwise, fear would keep me away). We’ve had a couple of rehearsals, and it turns out that I can no longer be in a band. I don’t have panic attacks, but I felt horrible at the last two practices, not least because I wasn’t perfect in my playing. We were all sight reading, but something about playing in a group that Justin’s conducting made me have higher expectations for myself. But the worst part is just being in a group and realizing that I’m now committed to perform, to go to this musical, be in a crowd, to receive a modicum of attention. I have no idea why I thought I could handle that, but it’s not going to be easy. I told this to Justin. I mentioned that I could probably get a tranquilizer, but I might not be able to perform well and he repeated to me a quotation from some jazz performer who was asked how he could perform on drugs–he said it was because he practiced on drugs. I told him that I wouldn’t go back to the doctor anyway to get a tranquilizer. I intend to visit a doctor only to keep me alive in emergencies for the three-year plan. Since I told Justin about my plan in hopes it would make him stop being my friend, I can now make off-hand comments about it. He just shakes his head and we go on to the next subject. It helps.