Dread

I fought to have a band accompany the school musical production because I figured I could be in the band and therefore I could *see* the musical (otherwise, fear would keep me away).  We’ve had a couple of rehearsals, and it turns out that I can no longer be in a band.  I don’t have panic attacks, but I felt horrible at the last two practices, not least because I wasn’t perfect in my playing.  We were all sight reading, but something about playing in a group that Justin’s conducting made me have higher expectations for myself.  But the worst part is just being in a group and realizing that I’m now committed to perform, to go to this musical, be in a crowd, to receive a modicum of attention.  I have no idea why I thought I could handle that, but it’s not going to be easy.  I told this to Justin.  I mentioned that I could probably get a tranquilizer, but I might not be able to perform well and he repeated to me a quotation from some jazz performer who was asked how he could perform on drugs–he said it was because he practiced on drugs.   I told him that I wouldn’t go back to the doctor anyway to get a tranquilizer.  I intend to visit a doctor only to keep me alive in emergencies for the three-year plan.  Since I told Justin about my plan in hopes it would make him stop being my friend, I can now make off-hand comments about it.  He just shakes his head and we go on to the next subject.  It helps.

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~ by judeincolorado on March 29, 2009.

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