I subscribe to a lot of blogs, perhaps because they give me a feeling of community. I was able to quell some of my anxiety about having Justin as a friend when I read this at the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy blog:
“If you’ve suffered from traumas such as major depression or panic attacks, [that] conditions you to believe that uncomfortable emotions mean you are going to suffer…again.”
Since my outlook on life is based on rejection–when will I be fired? when will this person decide they don’t like me?–it’s difficult to wait for the rejection. It’s easier to just give up.
I asked Justin in an email a couple of weeks ago if, once we were no longer in a band together, we could taper it off into nothingness, and he replied “No such luck with the whole taper thing…” That is scary. In the past, I didn’t even realize what I was doing (and sometimes still don’t know what I did) to end a friendship. What if I do something without meaning to and hurt this kind human who is currently my friend? I’d rather just end it now and get it over with, but maybe he is the one person who would stick around.
At the moment, though, it helps to realize that he is not my former friend Timothy, nor my former therapist Bob–the one I filed a complaint against–and rejection isn’t necessarily imminent. I am so uncomfortable having a friend that I want to run away (e.g., kill myself sooner), but the truth is that I feel happier in his presence. I just have to calm down.